Monday, 3 October 2005

The film Hell Boy and its impact on my life

I am sure you are all as aware of the film ‘Hell Boy’ as I am so you’ll know what I mean when I talk about the voice over summary at the end of the film when the young guy who wanted the girl observes Hell Boy getting her instead. It starts something like “What makes a man a man?” and continues not too badly for another paragraph or so. Getting to the point I feel like this blog entry is that voice over at the end of my film by which statement you might correctly surmise I didn’t have the best weekend and am now feeling quite self-indulgent and sorry for myself.

You see it has come to my attention that there is really no point telling someone about ‘what happened’ because you’ll only get one version and bits get left out and you don’t see the context or precedent. So as the picture fades and the voiceover starts up….”What makes a relationship work? Alex doesn’t know and this would explain why she has moved into the spare room” And that’s all I’m bothering to say.

Now I could start this next bit “And these things always seem to happen when I’m supposed to cut down my meds” and then that makes me sound like I’m totally kidding myself and it’s all me getting grumpy-type-side-effects and poor-pooch-doesn’t-he-put-up-with-a-lot. But. Although I did start reducing medication yesterday, all of what I’m not talking about happened before this could have had any effect. But the fact remains I did start reducing meds yesterday and so could have done without it all anyway. And furthermore. Because I have started reducing I am now all uptight about having those naughty thoughts that involve dressing gown cords and large expanses of water and…jesus…how long has it been since I didn’t wake up feeling tired? Madness got really bad around dec 03, was kicking off before then… that would be about 2 years. I have felt tired for two years and it’s not like I even had a kid or anything.

So to summarise
1. There is still no phone or internet at the flat-of-fun hence irregular blogging and lack of pictures.
2. I’m really fricking tired
3. I am sleeping in the spare room
4. I feel the level playing field that is life tilting – I am back walking uphill when it would be so much easier to just roll back down into the darkness.

5. Stupid films have a place in society as cultural reference points


Tracy said...

Sometimes a bit of breathing space makes all the difference. Have you got a close friend nearby you can go chat with? You take care of yourself anyway. You know the signs so make sure you pay attention to them, would it hurt to go back to bed for a bit? We'll still be here to make sure you get up again, even if it's being bombarded with emails (might not be so effective without the internet connection...)I know tiredness is a symptom not a cause but at least it might help a little. Good girl for reducing your medication though, things are going to look bleak anyway. You're such a cheery sounding person normally, sorry you're so low.

Jennifer said...

I hope you feel better soon and get some sleep. Once your meds get sorted out you'll feel better.

Mary said...

Sorry to hear you're feeling so low. It sounds like circumstances have combined at a bad time for you. Take care of yourself, hopefully things will start to feel more positive soon.

Becky said...

Hey - moving house is just so stressful and it doesn't sound like your's went all that smoothly - also are you not undergoing some sort of amazing transformation at work as well ? that being the case - something has got to give and it's usually the thing we want to suffer least, our relationships. So don't feel that this is the end of the world, try to look at it as a temporary blip caused by all the stress you've had going on recently.

Well done for reducing the meds, but look after yourself.

And - wasn't Hellboy a cool film - I loved it - I'm dying to see Serenity when it comes out - I was so into Firefly before it got cancelled.

NikolaAnne said...

We need to talk.
You have to stop eating Sugar, however "short term fluffy" it makes you feel. I know, I do it to myself.
I'll tell you why in detail when I see you Wednesday, but the short version is that the Rollercoaser of "Blood Sugar Fluffy-Love-Love" and then "Pit-of-Dispair Sugar Crash" does no-one any good, least of all someone recovering from depression.

Beverley said...

Don't stress yourself out too much Alex, you are moving home (problems there) changing jobs (problems there) adjusting your meds (tricky at the best of times) so no wonder you are feeling low. Like the lady of the purple kitchen said, sugar won't help you either! I know, been there done that, got the waistline! If you get a chance the Food Doctor or Istitute of Optimum Nutrition might have some info on their websites that might help. Don't be too hard on yourself, and push yourself too much, baby steps, one at a time!

mf said...

I'm sooo sorry for all the stresses, I hope once you get some res tand calm that things will fall into place and you'l feel better!! Things all seem to come at us at the same time.. Remember us woman are STRONG it wouldn't be thrown at us if we couldn't handle it and get through it! It makes us strong people. Now do take care of yourself!
Hope thigns are better soon!

Jess said...

Take care, and it is not surprising something gave way... moving, job changes and med adjustment! That is a lot to take on board.

Iris said...

So sorry to hear that you are having a tough time right now. It sounds like all the stress of the moving plus the reducing of your meds just coincided rather badly...
I hope you feel better soon Alex. Take care of yourself, OK?

Woolly Wormhead said...

Good luck with the meds, my psychiatrist just doubled mine....

There's a lot of folk who care about you

R x

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