It's what's inside that counts

It's not the skin, it's the 'nana.

I've written this post so many times in my head now. It basically comes down to the fact that in trying to protect people, myself included, I have hurt myself and apparently hurt them too. 

Shame is also involved though. Big fat shame. My own shame. Shame that started off as a response to being cheated on two years ago, then warped into shame at my own emotional response to being cheated on, then ended up as shame again in response to a conversation I was never meant to hear and which marked the end of my marriage. 

Public vs Private is another element. My marriage ended on 1st October so my life now is not very similar to what it was on, say 30th September. I have been using twitter for maybe a year. I've been blogging for about six. And while my blog started off as almost a personal diary it changed and become more private after I got married. Except of course now I am not really married. Except I am legally, just not practically. I am meeting new people and doing different things, but Pooch is through his own choice still reading this blog and my tweets. And so while what happened and what has happened since is something I want to refer to he's not comfortable with that and thinks it should be kept private. 

This week has really been one hell of a week. The kind of week you just don't want to have too often. Work pressures, an argument with Pooch, all underpinned by PMT such as you get let off murder charges for. And one of the things that made it worse was my mistaken efforts at shielding others from the truth crumbling in a quite spectacular fashion. If I had just been honest about the reasons for my marriage breakdown then I wouldn't have had the stress of it all coming out recently, and wouldn't have felt the isolation I have felt by keeping things from people, even though I realise this was self-imposed. 

So what should I do? This is my blog and I'm starting a new life which is, I assume, going to involve dating and the rest. Last night I went to a friend's house for dinner. It was a low key chill out thing for both of us since he works long hours and socialises hard during the week and I was just burnt out after the week described above. 

This friend and I had a few rebound type encounters in December but we were both clear that it was just one of those things and so that side of things is over. Pooch knows this but he does not like any mention of this friend. But if I spend time with someone and something that I want to blog about happens, how much should I consider Pooch's feelings and not make any reference to it online (which seems to include not tweeting at them) and how much should I just get on with it? 

Pooch is not going to be happy about me putting this much online, but I am increasingly feeling like I'm approaching a point where I might want to try out dating. I'm not there yet, but I think in another month or so I will be. And I don't need the stress of living a double life and trying to remember what I've told to who. So...this is it. Stage 1 of this whole process was when I moved out and was in a state of shock where eating and sleeping went haywire and I just couldn't believe what was happening. Stage 2 was when I accepted that the marriage was really over and started making serious plans for the future. Stage 3 is now. I am single and I'll be blogging as a single person from now on. That doesn't necessarily mean the content of this blog will change at all, but it does mean I'm not going to censor myself from now on.

I won't be doing it with the intention of hurting anyone, or scoring points or getting revenge. I'll just be doing what I've always done - which is blogging (and tweeting) about my life.

When a blog post really speaks to you

I have a friend who follows people on twitter so he can scoff at what they say because he considers them to be so laughable.

Personally I only follow 62 people and I only follow them because I want to read what they say. One of these is @bigtangle and not only did a totally unexpected and awesome thank you present arrive from her yesterday in the post, she also tweeted about a friend of her's blogpost. I am so glad she did - because I reckon that post was written mainly for me.

This is the post. 

If you've ever had any kind of set back and needed to pick yourself up, you should read this post. 

After reading the post I turned to my trusty iPhone and my ListPro app and created a to do list based on that post.

Bit geeky I know, but...I went to bed early last night. Sadly was woken up early too by noise outside but it was a good start. Then I decided to make myself happy with Dim Sum and I faced up to a scary something by going by myself. I have also washed my hair in readiness for changing my appearance overnight using the 'curls without heat' tutorial from here. And I found that tutorial on Pinterest, which just makes me happy generally.

That bit about permission to quit is a really good point to keep in mind. It makes me think of my previous post about marshmallows and decluttering. It also reminds me of the half finished afghan I posted off to a worthy recipient yesterday. It was one I had been making as part of my nest building activities but I got it out again a few weeks ago and knew I just didn't want to finish it. So it has gone, and I have started a replacement.

I'm using stash yarn and it's a pattern I've made twice before - once for a friend going through some tough times and once for a sister doing ditto. And now it's my turn. It's a free pattern - Starghan - and very easy to follow. It's also relaxing and simple and so probably counts towards my 'finish uncomplicated thing' task.

One other thing has made me happy already today and that is the boat ride to and from the dim sum restaurant. It is only one stop on the Thames Clipper but it's lovely to watch the river and travel on it, especially in the sunshine.

Plus it reminded me of the river crossing after my hot air balloon ride in Luxor.

I want to go back there in March and will find out tomorrow whether my request for 20 days leave will be accepted. Fingers crossed.