Thursday, 11 August 2011

I am angry

I have been feeling angry since I wrote the divorce statement last week.
It's not fading away. If anything I am more angry now. 
I am aware that it also has something to do with PMT but I do feel pretty ill used at the moment. 

Writing the statement made it obvious how many chances there had been for it to be ok. I gave Pooch a second chance and he cocked up again. I said if he gave up drinking we could try again but he wouldn't consider it. Then I think about what we had planned and even though it never existed I feel like I've lost that too. The flat we had just saved enough deposit for, the cat that comes with owning your own place and not being dependant on the whims of a landlord. The shared living expenses meaning I had so much more disposable income, the child we had already started trying for. The hugs, the shared experiences, the friendship. All gone. 
Broken heart

I really hate dating. I hate the meat market aspect of it. But then I also hate being single. I want someone to share things with. I don't find dating exciting or liberating. I find it tedious and boring. So this also makes me feel angry. 

The final thing making me angry is that I am 99% sure that living your life believing in pay-it-forward is bollocks. I give up my seat on the tube, I hold doors open, I say 'hello', I unjam the printer, I am willing to talk things through and listen, I do favours, I share food, I give to charity, I offer help, I act as intermediary and I even lend money when asked to. I do all this without asking for anything in return because I have up until now believed that it encourages others to be the same with other people.
doormat feelings
All it does is lead to me being treated like I'm stupid or soft or don't matter. People don't say thank you because they assume I will help them. "Alex will know" becomes a motto at work while others snigger behind my back.

The thing that worries me about this anger is that I am not sure how to express it. I feel that I can't because it's not socially acceptable but at the same time suppressing feelings is a really great way to send myself cuckoo again.
I wish there were a real Fight Club. 


Heather Cawte said...

I remember having to write my divorce statement, for my second marriage (the one to the idiot alcoholic). I remember the anger at what a mug I felt, at how many times I'd tried to make it work, and at how many times he'd lied, or sabotaged my efforts.

A fellow Raveler suggested buying a pile of plates and glasses from a charity shop just so that you can smash them and let out the anger. Sure, it all has to be cleared up afterwards - but I wish I'd thought of doing that then.

Please be kind to yourself, and please don't stop being kind to others. There may be mean and shallow people who think you're stupid, but do you really want approval from the mean and shallow?


Thinking of you.

Amy Monkey Mind said...

I ran across your blog today as I was looking at patterns on ravelry. Obviously I don't ever knit because I never stay on track, instead becoming easily too sidetracked by other things, like blogs! Although I'm happily married I was struck by how similar my feelings of anger are to yours. In fact, you sounded so much like me it was eerie! So, now I have to become a regular reader to follow your story but I also want to recommend a book to you. It's "The Nice Girl Syndrome" by Beverly Engel. I'm half way thru it & wish I'd bought it the first 5 times I looked at it & put it down! It truly will help you understand why you are getting walked on & what you can do about it. Good luck in life & keep going with the wonderful blog!

knittingsal said...

I stumbled across you years ago when it was lixie knits, and have really enjoyed reading your blog. Don't give up being nice to people. And don't give up dating. There is an amazing man waiting for you. I had a first marriage which was rubbish, and now have been married to an amazing man for 21 years, who has managed to help me work through the rubbish of the first one. Keep strong.xx


I'm really not being flippant here but have you ever tried doing something like thai-kick-boxing or something really physical like that? It's often said that depression is anger turned inwards but it is bloody hard to be an angry woman. Anyway. Thinking of ya. And also thinking that if going through an experience like this didn't make you angry and upset then there REALLY would be something wrong with you. I don't know if that is any help at all.....
P.S. Do you like going to see stand-up comedy? I'm finding it really helpful in letting stuff out of my head and you meet some interesting people...

Ynot said...

Finding "safe" ways to express your anger can be very therapeutic. After the man I thought was the love of my life and who I'd lived with for about 5 years dumped me, I took something I associated with him, wrapped it up in a bandanna, and smashed it thoroughly with a hammer. Quite good. But I also signed for something here in The States called Model Mugging (you practice beating up a "fake" mugger who is extremely well padded.)

But don't give up on being nice to people. It IS possible to be considerate and what I call a good citizen and not feel taken advantage of. It took me a long time to reach that stage but I've met people who are assertive and still sweet, friendly, funny, smart, and thoughtful so I know it is realistic!

Persephone! said...

Hi Alix, very long time no speak! I think I bought one of your very first stitchmarker kits and also a copy of the first issue of your zine! I remember when you and Pooch were just dating! Life came along and bit me on the arse and my 18 year marriage fell apart when my husband had an affair and walked out. I am in the midst of the divorce and have a child to consider, who lives with me. He is divorcing me, so has made up a whole heap of rubbish about me in order to force it through and I just have to suck it up. I have decided that I am just going to spend some time on my own and get to like myself a bit better before I enter the dating game again. I am much older than you are, but I am doing fine. Don't give up hope and don't try too hard, have fun enjoy life, smile a lot, help out others as you do and 'he' will find you. Wishing you well. Beverley (used to be Two Fish Knitting)

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