Thursday, 11 August 2011

I am angry

I have been feeling angry since I wrote the divorce statement last week.
Angry
It's not fading away. If anything I am more angry now. 
Basement
I am aware that it also has something to do with PMT but I do feel pretty ill used at the moment. 

Writing the statement made it obvious how many chances there had been for it to be ok. I gave Pooch a second chance and he cocked up again. I said if he gave up drinking we could try again but he wouldn't consider it. Then I think about what we had planned and even though it never existed I feel like I've lost that too. The flat we had just saved enough deposit for, the cat that comes with owning your own place and not being dependant on the whims of a landlord. The shared living expenses meaning I had so much more disposable income, the child we had already started trying for. The hugs, the shared experiences, the friendship. All gone. 
Broken heart

I really hate dating. I hate the meat market aspect of it. But then I also hate being single. I want someone to share things with. I don't find dating exciting or liberating. I find it tedious and boring. So this also makes me feel angry. 

The final thing making me angry is that I am 99% sure that living your life believing in pay-it-forward is bollocks. I give up my seat on the tube, I hold doors open, I say 'hello', I unjam the printer, I am willing to talk things through and listen, I do favours, I share food, I give to charity, I offer help, I act as intermediary and I even lend money when asked to. I do all this without asking for anything in return because I have up until now believed that it encourages others to be the same with other people.
doormat feelings
All it does is lead to me being treated like I'm stupid or soft or don't matter. People don't say thank you because they assume I will help them. "Alex will know" becomes a motto at work while others snigger behind my back.

The thing that worries me about this anger is that I am not sure how to express it. I feel that I can't because it's not socially acceptable but at the same time suppressing feelings is a really great way to send myself cuckoo again.
Cuckoo!
I wish there were a real Fight Club. 
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