I am angry

I have been feeling angry since I wrote the divorce statement last week.

It's not fading away. If anything I am more angry now. 

I am aware that it also has something to do with PMT but I do feel pretty ill used at the moment. 

Writing the statement made it obvious how many chances there had been for it to be ok. I gave Pooch a second chance and he cocked up again. I said if he gave up drinking we could try again but he wouldn't consider it. Then I think about what we had planned and even though it never existed I feel like I've lost that too. The flat we had just saved enough deposit for, the cat that comes with owning your own place and not being dependant on the whims of a landlord. The shared living expenses meaning I had so much more disposable income, the child we had already started trying for. The hugs, the shared experiences, the friendship. All gone. 

I really hate dating. I hate the meat market aspect of it. But then I also hate being single. I want someone to share things with. I don't find dating exciting or liberating. I find it tedious and boring. So this also makes me feel angry. 

The final thing making me angry is that I am 99% sure that living your life believing in pay-it-forward is bollocks. I give up my seat on the tube, I hold doors open, I say 'hello', I unjam the printer, I am willing to talk things through and listen, I do favours, I share food, I give to charity, I offer help, I act as intermediary and I even lend money when asked to. I do all this without asking for anything in return because I have up until now believed that it encourages others to be the same with other people.

All it does is lead to me being treated like I'm stupid or soft or don't matter. People don't say thank you because they assume I will help them. "Alex will know" becomes a motto at work while others snigger behind my back.

The thing that worries me about this anger is that I am not sure how to express it. I feel that I can't because it's not socially acceptable but at the same time suppressing feelings is a really great way to send myself cuckoo again.

I wish there were a real Fight Club. 

I Owe Crazy Aunt Purl an Apology

When I first started blogging one of my favourites was Crazy Aunt Purl.

She is still utterly awesome and I just read her recent post on online dating and point four in particular:

4. It's actually much more fun to go shopping at Amazon or Zappos or Etsy because you find something you like, you give it your address and it shows up and doesn't try to murder you or tell you you're fat. No wonder online shopping feels so good. It's practically therapeutic.

She got divorced after her husband said he needed to 'find himself'. She did a lot of drinking during it all. She beats me though by having had three cats (now sadly just two) to help her through.

At the time I thought she was occasionally being a bit self-indulgant with some of her from-the-heart posts. I now wish to withdraw all such thoughts unreservedly.

On Thursday night I finally wrote the statement for the divorce papers. They are now in the post in duplicate with the marriage certificate and cheque for £340 for the court fees - which is more than it cost to get married in the first place. While writing the statement I was, I estimate, the third most upset I have ever been in my life (while sane). It was only just less upsetting than realising the marriage had ended in the first place. For about two hours I bawled as only a toddler denied sweets or a dumped teenager usually does. By the time I had stopped I looked like Shrek but on the plus side and half a bottle of Tia Maria later I didn't care anymore. Yesterday was spent wincing at daylight, noise and life in general until about 4pm when the pain lifted and I was whole again.

So that's done. I don't kid myself that those were the last tears but it will apparently take about 3 months to get a court date so I have a slight reprieve til then.

It seems like a good time to take stock so I am going to have a bit of a tidy up at the flat and also get the stash out. You always read stats about how we only wear a small percentage of our clothes because we forget we own the others because they are not stored properly. (At least, I seem to read that kind of thing quite often - it might just be me.) I strongly believe it is the same with stash. Part of the reason for reckless stash acquisition is not realising what you have and not thinking sensibly about how you will use it. For instance, I have enough sock yarn for about 50 pairs.

I *think* that might be enough. 

(Updated 9th Sept) Lixie's Adventures with Gentlemen Chapter 4 in which Lixie uses swear words

(Update at end of post)

I am a shit magnet.

Let me explain....the most recent adventures have been someone I met through someone else, not through the godawful matchaffinity. We were emailing back and forth for two weeks and then went on a first date on Thursday.

Two hours of chat and a bit of kissing. Nice.

Emails restart the following day. Mid afternoon he suggests meeting up that evening as well. I had an evening of pinboard activity planned (actually pinboard, not pinterest) but I decided to forego it and meet him again.

Pimms at the Tate Modern Bar where we both decided there was too much traffic for snogging and so went to sit on the grass outside.

THREE HOURS later he walks me to the tube with me sporting the latest in teenage accessories.

As we're walking I'm saying that one of the reasons I hate dating is because you have to have these conversations about exclusivity. "Is that a second date conversation?" he asks. Fortunately undeterred I continue at which point he says (and to be fair I may be paraphrasing) "Actually I'm kind of already seeing someone but it's ok because it's waning. I didn't tell you because I wanted to see what you were like before I did anything else."

Before concluding that the man is at best amazingly naive and at worst a cheating weasel, let's review the evidence.

1. I had already asked him in an email whether he was a cheating weasel (exact words used) because I hold views on such things. 
2. We had been emailing for two weeks with the stated intention of eventually going on a date, during which time he was presumably in an un-waning relationship with this other woman. 
3. I had been 100% upfront about both the divorce and the depression.
4. During early emails we had discussed our approaches to relationships and I had described mine as 'open and honest'. 
5. He didn't volunteer this information to me until I asked him directly, and initially tried to avoid the question. 
6. He has a "try before you buy" philosophy.
7. He's given me a fucking glow-in-the-dark hicky. 

Conclusion?

9th September Update
Since the episode related above happened I have ended up getting to know the man involved rather better. We've actually become pretty good friends. I have therefore had a chance to revise the impression I had of him and would like to issue the following correction:

1. He did not set out to decieve.
2. He is not a try-before-you-buy kinda guy.
3. He is therefore possibly not anymore weasel-like than the rest.

I suppose we've all met people who seemed really nice at first only to turn out to be utter bastards. This is a rare case of the opposite being true. It almost makes me think there is some point going back to dating. Almost. 
9th September Update 2

Ok ok geez. And I gave him 2 hickeys. BUT they were barely discernable.

Crafty Shortlist

I'm in a bit of a home building phase. It's certainly not for any broody reason since I am the most single of the singles, but more to make the flat feel properly like home. The wail of renters everywhere - there's not much I can do to alter the colours, layout, shelving etc but there are little things.

I've always liked mobiles and have been thinking of a cloud one for a while.

Source: etsy.com via Alex on Pinterest

I'd also like to add some hot air balloons.

Source: etsy.com via Alex on Pinterest

I've also been thinking about bunting or something like that. I made some for people at xmas.

But I've been thinking about some of this kind of one instead. Not really sure.

Source: ontobaby.com via Alex on Pinterest

Then maybe some things on the windows.

Source: cfabbridesigns.com via Alex on Pinterest

Hearts are a bit twee though. Maybe hot air balloons? Or clouds. On a bit of a cloud bender at the moment.

My hexagon patchwork duvet top nears completion so that will brighten up the bedroom, along with my newly painted fire engine red bedside cabinet. If I had my own place I'd love it to be something like this:

Source: sweethomestyle.tumblr.com via Alex on Pinterest

Lots of white but with colourful highlights. With one wall covered in corkboards...

Source: jordanferney.blogspot.com via Alex on Pinterest

Maybe one corkboard would be feasible even now....excuse me, must look at how much they are....

Friends are Awesome

I met up with two very different friends yesterday. One at lunch and one after work. In fact they couldn't really be more different, but they are both awesome, in equally different ways. With friendships you get out what you put in. Awesome.

In other news...

While friends are awesome, so are vintage up-ear clip-on earrings. This is my second pair. The etsy seller actually emailed me when she got them in her shop to tell me because she knew how much I loved my first pair. I was wearing the first pair today. Typical office wear, obviously.

Slightly less awesome are awesome hairslides you decorate yourself that then break after your first use.

It might be salvageable for something I guess.

Still fairly awesome is the patchwork quilt I started around Easter 2010 when I was still happily married, living a life of relative financial ease and thinking about babies.

It's not exactly progressing quickly but I'll damn well love it when I'm done.

And lastly, awesome are the larger patchwork pieces I am making for my lampshade.

All those different polka dots! Makes me so happy.

Raising the Knit Signal

Raising the Knit Signal

The link above is to a post on the P/hop website about the crisis in Somalia. I donated today.

The Knit Signal was first raised by YarnHarlot when the Haiti earthquake happened. Please think about your yarn budget for this month and whether you really need any more wool when there are so many people dying.

Staccato Creativity

There have been lots of fits and starts this weekend. Mostly prompted by utter, utter boredom, bit of misery and a lot of pinterest. For instance THIS is my Pinterest "Crafty Inspiration" pinboard. Take this one in particular. 

Source: corrieberrypie.blogspot.com via Alex on Pinterest

That pin resulted in this.

Or this one:

Source: duffylondon.com via Alex on Pinterest

...which has resulted in these two. 

(What other fabric would I make it from?)

Or take this:

This is a ring I made after coming across this workshop for £42. I looked at the pictures for a minute, reflected that the materials would only cost pennies and I had them all anyway so it didn't matter if I screwed up, and made one in a kind of hell-and-high-water type way. The only thing wrong with it is the ring bit. 

Not very comfortable. I shall cut out wrapping the wire around the whole ring next time. 

And then there is this:

I'm still going round and round on it. And probably will be until my next divorce. 

Desperate times call for desperate measure, so I have started watching All the Wrestlemanias, of which there are 27. I watched the first one ever last night and it was fairly amazing in a time warp kind of way. It was 1985, men were men and women were wearing swimming costumes rather than the bikini things they wrestle in now. The crowd wasn't even separated from the ring by a barrier - just by maybe 3 feet of solid concrete floor. The enormous mic had to be lowered into the ring from the ceiling and the announcer had hair. All quite amazing. Wrestlemania 2 is cued up and ready to go so I leave you with this thought - 

Nope, it's gone. 

Busy week

It's been quite a week.

On Tuesday I did a Metal Snap Frame Purse workshop at the Make Lounge - courtesy of my birthday vouchers. "Choose two fabrics" she said. I honestly did look at all of them before going for the polka dots. Judge for yourself how successful it was.

It's my third workshop there and it was again very good. I've had a selection of frames for literally years and this has given me the confidence to use them. I've already cut out the fabric for my first and will stitch it over the weekend. 

Wednesday was a double whammy - drinks with Pooch followed by 'Bug' at the BFI which Jonesy got me a freebie for. The drinks were very strong and the talk was very emotional and so by the time I got to the BFI I was drunker than I've been for quite a while. I'd told Jonesy to get the drinks in and as I walked in he held out a pint of beer. A Pint Of Beer. For me. A lady. I suspect I was 17 the last time I drank a pint. I was probably sick (after all, I was 17). It turns out Jonesy was getting free drinks because he was DJing and the bar staff had just brought him a new supply. So there I am, drinking a pint, standing behind the decks at the bar at the BFI, chatting to the DJ. 

This may have been the coolest moment of my life. 

Jonesy at one point mockingly introduced me to his friend as a wrestling fan. For the first 5 minutes that he and I talked about wrestling I thought maybe Jonesy had dredged up eveything I'd ever told him about WWE and briefed him, but then I came to realise that no, I was actually talking to a genuine fellow fan. Jonesy had had no idea and was appalled. 

In your face, Jones. The evening ended with the bar staff bringing us shots of what I think may have been tequila. 

While my hangover had warn off by thursday lunchtime the effects of my talk with Pooch were escalating. It's no good though. I wish it wasn't so but it is. It all left me extremely upset and so thursday night was me on the sofa with an almost perceptible cartoon thunder cloud over my head pouring with rain and occasionally stabbing me with lightening bolts. All that crying meant I woke up very early today with a splitting headache, the remnants of which are still with me. 

So yes. 

What on earth can the weekend bring?  

Is it just me, or does this look like the kind of weird cloud that precedes the apocalypse?

A rip in the space/time continuum maybe. 

My favourite saying

Stitched this over the weekend.



So true.

Call me "Killer".

"Killer" is one of the nicknames I have tried to get people to use for me. As I've mentioned before, I am un-nicknamable. 

I saw this quote on Pinterest months ago and have had it in my mind ever since. My Chief Executive recently revealed that if he is listening to someone for more than about 30 secs he stops listening and starts thinking about facebook. The cross-stitch is my version of that. 

This completes my picture wall. 

Or at least completes it for now.

Sometimes I am convinced that this phase of my life must be a test

In the last seven days:

• Sunday: Washing Machine broke and flooded kitchen mid cycle
• Monday: 33rd birthday
• Wednesday: Launch of biggest project I've ever worked on
• Thursday: Break-up with Humphrey
• Saturday: Shower explodes and forces me to turn off mains water completely. Plus hangover.

I am not running around with my knickers on my head doing a chicken impression so I think I've probably passed. 

The break-up was something I brought about although unwillingly. It was one of those ones where there's nothing incompatible, other than the level of commitment each is looking for/able to give at the time. We could have continued quite happily on a casual basis but I want someone to share life with, not just evenings, so it had to end. I'm pretty glum though because he was really lovely and I think it could have been great had it been right for both of us. Plus I could have camped at his this weekend and used his washing machine and working water supply.

Source: sadanduseless.com via rita on Pinterest

Meanwhile I've barely touched any knitting. Feel I have lost a bit of mojo there. Instead I have been cracking on with the hexagon patchwork quilt top. I finally started sewing the little buggers together by machine, even though they are paper pieced. It was all taking too long and I could do with a new duvet cover so I decided to hurry it up. I'm using a very small zigzag in coordinating thread so in fact you can't see any difference until you look up close. I'm just making the last ones ready to be incorporated.

It's still going to take a while but it'll be pretty amazing when it's done.

Lastly, this may explain the hangover.

My usual Mule but with raspberries thrown in for no discernible reason other than "there were some in the fridge". It's all good. I've been out and bought 5 litres of bottled water. Should last me til lunch.

PS: Sometimes things happen to remind us that life does not revolve around ourselves. The man I talked about in my previous post was declared clinically dead on Thursday and, with his family gathered around him, his life support was turned off. He had worked at one of the organisations three floors above ours for 27 years. 

"Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life."

The title of this post is a quotation by Bertolt Brecht.

The reason for it is because I had a half day today and as I was leaving I was pushed out of the way by a man running through the entrance to the building. One of the receptionists was outside and I jokingly made a kind of "Blimey, what was that all about?" comment. It turns out he was fetching equipment for the paramedic who was trying to restart the heart of a man lying on the floor in the alcove behind reception. I don't know his name but I have seen him helping out on reception during lunch hours or coming out of meeting rooms. We smile and say hello. I also don't know whether he made it. Resuscitation should never be a spectator sport so having ascertained there was nothing I could do I thought it best to clear out. From a physics point of view, it's all gone a bit Schroedinger.

I saw the guy yesterday and we said hello, and he looked absolutely fine. I'd guess he is about 55. It's just got me thinking once again about the way life can just end in the time it takes to snap your fingers. It also made me think a bit more seriously about the 'bucket list' concept too. 

Coincidentally, Humphrey and I discussed this recently. Humphrey is not keen on me sharing personal stuff about our relationship on the blog but I don't think he'll mind me saying that number one on his list is to train 3 kittens to form a pyramid. Better than this one too.

The topic came up because I had just seen the Guinness Book of Records certified largest model of an Ecoli. I claimed I could now tick this off my list of things-to-do-before-I-die. My other items are

• Visit Machu Picchu
• Punch someone in the face
• Have a black eye
• Go to Wrestlemania

Obviously this is all quite light hearted (but seriously, I want to punch someone in the face so don't mess with me) (not really) (really) but any of us could go at any time. Pop. Gone. Or something life changing could happen. I'm reading Oliver Sacks's "In the Mind's Eye" which is like his previous "Man Who Mistook his Wife for a Hat" and others but focuses on visual phenomena. For instance, people wake up having had a stroke and can no longer read. They can see individual letters but can't put words together. 

A few weeks ago a friend's four year old grand-daughter happened to remark she couldn't see out of one eye and the next day was diagnosed with infant glaucoma and her Mum was told she's already lost 85% of sight in one eye. One conversation and everything changes. 

It has all got me thinking.

I hope that guy's all right.