More Ideas Than Time

Source: google.com via Alex on Pinterest

This captures things quite perfectly at the moment. I am at that well-visited and often ignored place, a crossroads.

After my split from Pooch (and before my recent re-descent into madness) I had a short-term fling with a man who said several times "You don't want to get into a relationship straight away - you need time to find yourself and work out who you are." At the time I took this to be commitment-phobic bullshit but didn't really care because he was really quite amazing in bed. But these months later I am all too aware of the, undoubtedly coincidental, truth in these words. I still think he was only saying it as a pre-emptive measure against me getting clingy, but then my therapist would say that was because I was globalising.

It was my annual appraisal at work last week. My Director can be terribly annoying but she is very good at conducting appraisals and very good at giving feedback. She talked about my highs and lows, all very fairly, and then also talked about the future. She talked about my 'personal style' which is 'playful' which in itself is 'great' but can mean people don't see me as being the competent professional that I am because they don't take me seriously. Essentially, what it boils down to, is that I'm getting too old to throw paperclips at people in meetings just cause I'm bored.

All this, along with a suggestion that I might like to consider applying for a 2-year program to train leaders in my sector, plus the CEO's anti-pep talk about us all having been working there too long, is making me wonder what it is I want at the moment. 

A year ago I was married, my husband was earning more than me, we had almost enough money for a deposit on our own flat and I was in my job so that I'd qualify for maternity pay and have something decent to come back to after maternity leave was over. Now I'm single, I've had a 1.9% payrise while inflation is 4%+, am paying 50% more rent than before to live by myself so saving much less, and have been in my job for 3+ years with no real incentive to stay or, indeed, to go. I have no ambitions and no aims and the only thing I'm really sure about is that maternity leave and house buying is not going to be featuring in my future any time soon.

It's all so tedious. I saw a book the other day called How to Save an Hour Every Day that guaranteed to save you an hour a day (duh), but I found myself wondering what I'd do with that hour. And if you have to work harder the rest of the time to save the hour, won't you just want to spend the hour slumped on the sofa watching CSI? I like having a job I can do 9 to 5 and then not think about the rest of the time. I don't want to work longer hours or stress about stuff. But equally I don't know that I like the idea of being someone who sees their peers become more senior and successful while they just stagnate. Plus not being able to afford to buy a flat which I can finally paint a colour other than magnolia. So maybe it is worth putting yourself out to become something more than you are. But then it does help if you have an idea in mind for what 'more' would be like.

Anyway. As Poirot would say "It gives one furiously to think." Whatever else happens, at least we can always rely on Rick.

Source: None via Alex on Pinterest

PS: The frog picture was about people being clingy, and not about the sex part. But, you know, works both ways I guess.

PPS: This blogpost was brought to you in association with The Ahmad Jamal Trio, specifically this.
I'm not usually into jazz but this is so freaking sublime. And you can get most of the album on iTunes for £2.49. Sweet.