There Must Be ... 50 Ways to Kill a Knitter (NaMoBloPo #30)

The boys at work, ever sympathetic and supportive of my various plights, loved the idea of a knitting death threat and began to speculate on other ways knitters could bring about each other's demise.

At 1 we have the original suggestion - needle between the ribs. It's not as simple as that though. You'd probably want to go for a metal needle and clearly a straight or dpn rather than a circular. You're going to need a good grip so unless it's an unusually long dpn I'd stick with a straight so you can hold it firmly while still leaving enough length to penetrate the heart or lungs. And I'd suggest no smaller than 4mm because you don't want it to just bend on impact. Ideally you'll want to hit the heart so that death will be more certain so don't forget to check where it is.

Seems like in the UK we get taught it is further to the left than it actually is.

At 2 we have a variation on the whole stabby-pointy-sticks theme. Time to channel your inner spy and think about dipping one end of your needle with something poisonous before stabbing it into someone. On the plus side you don't need to worry about your aim - depending on what you use stab them anywhere and it will work its way into the bloodstream. On the otherhand you also don't want to accidentally stab yourself. For this reason I would again suggest a straight needle but a shorter one - perhaps a vintage or modern children's one about 20cm long.

The reason being you will be able to tell easily which end is poisonous. On the other hand if you only have a dpn then you could always use a rubber band wrapped around one end. Here a thinner needle is going to be beneficial so anything under 2.5mm should get the job done.

At 3 we're getting up close and personal again. Let's talk strangulation. Here you have two options. In the UK it's cold and so most of us are showing off our finest knitted scarf. These tend to be pre-wrapped around necks so grab hold of either end and heave. I'm not totally convinced about this myself. I don't think you'd be able to get it tight enough. For that reason let's bring in the circular needle. 40cm should be long enough but for safety (and if you're a magic looper like me you'll have plenty of them) you might want to go for 80cm instead.

As strength is all (you don't want your needle snapping half way through) I'd avoid your interchangables and stick with something created with the cable and needle parts firmly attached. What are the circs we all love and trust the most? Addi of course. This also has the benefit of working regardless of whether your intended is wearing a scarf.

At 4 we're getting back to basics with your blunt instrument. This is a variation on the half-brick-in-a-sock in that it's a whole brick in a knitting bag. Most of us have knitting bags so it's a simple weapon to carry around. Whether you bring your own brick or rely on finding one nearby is a matter of personal choice. One thought on choice of bag though. If you go for conventional fabric then it's going to be stained and you probably won;t want to use it to store your knitting in, even after washing.

Therefore look for a wipe clean or vinyl bag. After that aim for the head. Damage to the front of the brain has been found to be life changing but recoverable from (clearly not in all cases but as a generalisation). It's the back that does the damage.

And at 5 we have that all time favourite - cake. Where there are knitters, there is usually cake of some form or another. Unless you want to poison everyone likely to eat the cake I'd avoid a conventional block of the stuff. Go for cupcakes or perhaps biscuits and mark the poinsoned one in some way that is clear to you but not to the proposed victim.

You could put initials on them in icing perhaps or make them all in a flavour your intended doesn't like except for one.  

Should you wish to explore all of this further there is a brilliant book by Pamela Branch called "Murder Every Monday". Don't be put off by the cover. I came across it as a green penguin in a charity shop but have read it over and over because the idea is so clever, the writing very enjoyable and the story highly engaging. Also remember that none of the suggestions above talk about how to get away with it afterwards. While there are more and more of us out there every day, restricting yourself to death-by-knit is hugely narrowing the pool of suspects. So, you know, don't try this at home.