The Word for Feeling Like You Should Be Doing Something But Not Knowing What It Is You Should Be Doing

I made this very quickly on a whim a few months ago.

I really did feel like I was on the verge of something. And then I had some flim flam with my work visa and I was going to have a few months off and have some time to develop some sort of side project. And now the time is here. And I'm stuck.

I should be doing something like this:

 

 And instead I'm sitting around like:

I've got an idea, but there's something holding me back. Fear of failure? Fear of taking up my spare time? Fear of work?

I googled it and there is a german word - "torschlusspanik" - which means "Life is passing you by. The deadline’s approaching. The train’s a-comin’. Literally translated from German, torschlusspanik means “gate-closing panic,”." which is from this article, which is actually very interesting.

Craftcation a few weeks ago was really powerful in putting me alongside a bunch of women (mostly women) who had conquered their fears of going for it. Lela Barker gave the closing address and she quoted Elizabeth Gilbert. It was like this was aimed just at me.

"Let me list for you some of the many ways in which you might be afraid to live a more creative life: You’re afraid you have no talent. You’re afraid you’ll be rejected or criticized or ridiculed or misunderstood or—worst of all—ignored. You’re afraid there’s no market for your creativity, and therefore no point in pursuing it. You’re afraid somebody else already did it better. You’re afraid everybody else already did it better. You’re afraid somebody will steal your ideas, so it’s safer to keep them hidden forever in the dark. You’re afraid you won’t be taken seriously. You’re afraid your work isn’t politically, emotionally, or artistically important enough to change anyone’s life. You’re afraid your dreams are embarrassing. You’re afraid that someday you’ll look back on your creative endeavors as having been a giant waste of time, effort, and money. You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of discipline. You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of work space, or financial freedom, or empty hours in which to focus on invention or exploration. You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of training or degree. You’re afraid you’re too fat. (I don’t know what this has to do with creativity, exactly, but experience has taught me that most of us are afraid we’re too fat, so let’s just put that on the anxiety list, for good measure.) You’re afraid of being exposed as a hack, or a fool, or a dilettante, or a narcissist. You’re afraid of upsetting your family with what you may reveal. You’re afraid of what your peers and coworkers will say if you express your personal truth aloud. You’re afraid of unleashing your innermost demons, and you really don’t want to encounter your innermost demons. You’re afraid your best work is behind you. You’re afraid you never had any best work to begin with. You’re afraid you neglected your creativity for so long that now you can never get it back. You’re afraid you’re too old to start. You’re afraid you’re too young to start. You’re afraid because something went well in your life once, so obviously nothing can ever go well again. You’re afraid because nothing has ever gone well in your life, so why bother trying? You’re afraid of being a one-hit wonder. You’re afraid of being a no-hit wonder."

It's from a book called Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear, which I clearly need to read. But, maybe I need to actually do something that moves me forwards first.

And let's just gloss over the fact I haven't blogged for years.

Early Resolutions

I know 1st January is the conventional time to make resolutions but I think it makes more sense to resolve to do things in the moment you resolve to do them, rather than at some later date. Hence my resolve to blog at least weekly from now on, having neglected this poor thing for some time now.

I'm writing this from the airport as I get ready to return to San Francisco after staying with my sister. It was my Dad who pointed out my neglected blog when I saw him yesterday, and made me think about how, as well as neglecting other communication tools (I am terrible at not replying to emails), I've also let this one slip.

It is always rather nice to see things you have made in use at a later date and this started as soon as I got to my sister's house and sat down with my niece to watch the first of several viewings of The Gruffalo. What a lovely story and a great little film! As we sat there she insisted on removing her tights so I tucked her blanket around her little bare legs.

It's an i-spy blanket I made for her back in July. I ended up making a mini one for her toy rabbit and as I tucked her up in hers she handed me his and said "You can have this one." So thoughtful!

Later that night my sister and I took up the rainbow ripple blanket I crocheted back in 2011. Here is a photo of the two of us then...

...and now...

 

Maybe one or two extra grey hairs? Ahem. But we've not worn too badly!

I went to my Mum's for a few days in the middle of my stay and needed to use her sewing machine to finish something for Jasmine. The box next to it is my first applique dating from..maybe...1991?

I have offered to get Mum a new machine but she seems wedded to that Viking. It's a former teaching machine from a secondary school in the days when girls did sewing and boys did woodwork. Rather odd to use after the joys of an electrical one.

Back at Sian's the item I had needed to finish went up on the wall.

My fabric choice may not have made it the most distinct bunting ever but it does say 'jasmine' - plus Sian asked for one saying 'home' for the living room and being asked to make more of something is the kind of compliment every crafter will know makes the heart swell.

Saying goodbye this morning was heart breaking. My final view of Jasmine was her fast asleep last night on top of a Martha Stewart Living magazine which I had brought home for Sian to read and which Jasmine had adopted to 'read' to herself that night.

The bunting on her pillow (which I made back in 2012 for my own bed) is entirely coincidental and unstaged. She is such a wonderful little girl with an equally wonderful Mum. I'll be thinking of them (and making for them) constantly until I can visit England again.

Just in case you aren't getting enough Lixie in your life you can often find me over on Instagram. I read daily even if I don't always post.

Selfish Swap Inspiration Mosaic

I laughed when I saw the first Selfish Swap and thought I'd never stick to it. When I saw details of the second one I felt differently and my mind went to the bag I've been supposed to be making myself for at least a year now. A selfish swap is when you make yourself something you've been meaning to, or another of something you made for someone else and reluctantly sent out into the world. So not really selfish at all.

All of these bags have been pinned on this Pinterest board and I have borrowed the images just for inspiration purposes. I have botched enough projects to know that I want to buy a pattern if one exists but a few of these are purely inspirational with no templates attached.

I almost feel I'd like three bags - one shoulder for day-to-day, one cross-body for more casual usage and one for carrying my sewing machine. I suppose I would have more luck making a decision about which to use if I decided on just one of these rather than trying to juggle all ideas simultaneously.

There. I knew writing it all down would help me make a decision.

Sew Simple Saturday #2

Linking up with the Sew and Sow Farm's Sew Simple Saturday.

When it comes to simple, fabric precuts like jelly rolls make it a no brainer. Last month I was wowed by a quilt on another blogger's site and knew I had to give it a go. A bit of googling and waiting for it to arrive and I had a Gradations jelly roll.

I was using the Prism pattern by Nancy Rink. I was fairly amazed to find this wasn't a download but an actual paper pattern - I feel she's missing a trick there - so another week [snore] later I was ready to go.

Without needing to trim the strips at all you just sew them together along their lengths.

From there it was a matter of cutting some triangles and then sewing them together.

Sewing triangles together isn't quite as simple as sewing straight strips so I am still half way through this but it is going well. As it has progressed I've realised it's not really to my taste so I'll probably donate it to the Guild's outreach project, but I'm glad I tried it out!

So that must have been October

There was some of this. 

Then at work I went full american-halloween-mode and this happened.

Plus of course there were some kittens. 

Not enough. But still. 

So that's me caught up. 

Sew Simple Saturday!

I am joining up with the Sew and Sow Farm Sew Simple Saturday linky! Joining in has made me think about what is meant by "simple sewing". Jan is encouraging us to think about what seams simple to us but to others seems like something really complicated. The craft that, for me, definitely falls into that category is cross stitch. I started doing cross stitch when I was a little girl using those cardboard punch cards that showed you where to put every stitch using a needle the size of a pen. I went through various kits starting with those plastic canvas and scratchy wool ones...

...and then for, I think, my 14th birthday I got this one. 

As you can see I haven't got too far in the last 22 years but I've not given up yet! 

Since then I have sewn some weird and wonderful things, some of which are here:

These are all quite big but ultimately cross stitch comes down to putting straight stitches into a grid with holes in it. It's that simple. One of the workshops I taught in Tokyo was for cross stitch and there are a few basic rules to get going:

1. Don't try and sew with thread longer than your finger tips to elbow. It will just get tangled. 
2. To start a new cross stitch find the centre of your pattern and decide on a colour or element to start sewing with. Then fold your cloth in half left to right then top to bottom to find the centre and finger press to show where it is when you unfold again. Now you've found the centre of the cloth and know where to start to make sure your design is centred.
3. Go ahead and knot your thread to start and finish. Purists might talk about working without knots but it's really "knot" a problem. 

Here is a little one that anyone can make using a scrap of aida fabric. 

It's a fob for my tiny embroidery and applique scissors. And here is what I am currently working on:

This a simple kit by Lizzie Kate called "ABCs of Faith". I am an Atheist so this isn't to my taste but I know the person I'm giving this to for Xmas will be very happy with it. 

Give Cross Stitch a try!

Working Girl

When Worlds Collide....

...or in my case:

One of the three sofas at work had been used for non-office purposes in the distant past plus was pretty mangy. I just could not sit on it. It being part of my remit to look after the office, I sorted out a new cushion. It's on odd size so online ones with covers were coming out at $800. Outrageous! So I ordered some foam and some fabric and got to work. The result is the zig zag seat.

Things at work proceed fair to middling. The actual work is fun but the hours are troubling. We're looking to get me an assistant (so weird - I am the assistant) but until then I am beavering away. There are plus points - such as conducting phone interviews from a hammock.

I love that hammock. I've always wanted one at home but have never lived in the right kind of property. Plus I also took a few minutes to create one of these.

We have some big ones hanging from the ceiling but I've missed having a plant near me while working so I decided to make my own. I am pretty pleased with it! I got both the orb and the plants from Etsy.

Kittea Again!

I am sold on this place.

I do still love Cat Town Cafe in Oakland but this one is only a third of the distance from my house and while I love cats of all ages, it is funny getting to see all the kitten action. There are actually two in this photo.

Two little brothers wrestling each other all over the place. In fact this is one of them in an unusually still moment.

And this could be either one using me as an actual human shield.

And who knows which this is playing "catch the hand".

There were others too.

Some veeeeery relaxed.

So adorable!

Just when you think it can't get any better...look what I spotted on the way out!

That's my week accessorized.

My New Sewing Case and Other Makes

I saw a few of these being made on Instagram and was thrilled to find the pattern was free. It is the Oh, How Sweet Zipped Case. I started off thinking I'd use my newest paper shape from PaperPieces.com - the squashed hexagon.

But I decided I loathed the look of the shape. Maybe they might work horizontally, but like this they simply look squashed. I had a look through Pinterest for some inspiration and decided on a fabric tray, using some denim with raised silver dots that I found a scrap of when I was still in Tokyo.

This left me without a cover for my sewing case when my eye fell on a strip of selvage. Out came my collection and I found myself sorting them into colour piles.

The pile of ones that were truly multicoloured seemed about the right size. Some stitching later and...

...I had a cover and a pocket. The zip gave me a few tense moments and is also the point at which I screwed up the last thing like this I tried. Welcome to the arena - bulldog clips!

Here is the inside with the zip and bias binding in place. Vinyl pocket on the right and selvage pocket on the left. Two elastic loops to hold thread.

I like the outside too.

If I were to make one again I would use some interfacing on the lining. I just used batting on the cover so it is a tad floppy.

The Sewing Case took quite a while to make - lots of pieces of different sizes and materials - while this one was much quicker. It came out about 12"x14" and is a tiny version of the i-spy quilt I made for my niece.

It is for her toy bunny!

My other make-in-progress is based on a quilt in Paper Pieced Modern which I have on loan from the Library. I'd seen different versions of the quilt on a few blogs and decided to use the idea for a mini quilt. Here is my block.

Another 24 later and I had these:

Which led to this:

It isn't sewn together yet but will be soon!