I made this very quickly on a whim a few months ago.
I really did feel like I was on the verge of something. And then I had some flim flam with my work visa and I was going to have a few months off and have some time to develop some sort of side project. And now the time is here. And I'm stuck.
I should be doing something like this:
And instead I'm sitting around like:
I've got an idea, but there's something holding me back. Fear of failure? Fear of taking up my spare time? Fear of work?
I googled it and there is a german word - "torschlusspanik" - which means "Life is passing you by. The deadline’s approaching. The train’s a-comin’. Literally translated from German, torschlusspanik means “gate-closing panic,”." which is from
this article, which is actually very interesting.
Craftcation a few weeks ago was really powerful in putting me alongside a bunch of women (mostly women) who had conquered their fears of going for it.
Lela Barker gave the closing address and she quoted Elizabeth Gilbert. It was like this was aimed just at me.
"Let me list for you some of the many ways in which you might be afraid to live a more creative life: You’re afraid you have no talent. You’re afraid you’ll be rejected or criticized or ridiculed or misunderstood or—worst of all—ignored. You’re afraid there’s no market for your creativity, and therefore no point in pursuing it. You’re afraid somebody else already did it better. You’re afraid everybody else already did it better. You’re afraid somebody will steal your ideas, so it’s safer to keep them hidden forever in the dark. You’re afraid you won’t be taken seriously. You’re afraid your work isn’t politically, emotionally, or artistically important enough to change anyone’s life. You’re afraid your dreams are embarrassing. You’re afraid that someday you’ll look back on your creative endeavors as having been a giant waste of time, effort, and money. You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of discipline. You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of work space, or financial freedom, or empty hours in which to focus on invention or exploration. You’re afraid you don’t have the right kind of training or degree. You’re afraid you’re too fat. (I don’t know what this has to do with creativity, exactly, but experience has taught me that most of us are afraid we’re too fat, so let’s just put that on the anxiety list, for good measure.) You’re afraid of being exposed as a hack, or a fool, or a dilettante, or a narcissist. You’re afraid of upsetting your family with what you may reveal. You’re afraid of what your peers and coworkers will say if you express your personal truth aloud. You’re afraid of unleashing your innermost demons, and you really don’t want to encounter your innermost demons. You’re afraid your best work is behind you. You’re afraid you never had any best work to begin with. You’re afraid you neglected your creativity for so long that now you can never get it back. You’re afraid you’re too old to start. You’re afraid you’re too young to start. You’re afraid because something went well in your life once, so obviously nothing can ever go well again. You’re afraid because nothing has ever gone well in your life, so why bother trying? You’re afraid of being a one-hit wonder. You’re afraid of being a no-hit wonder."
It's from a book called
Big Magic: Creative Living Beyond Fear, which I clearly need to read. But, maybe I need to actually do something that moves me forwards first.
And let's just gloss over the fact I haven't blogged for years.
