pushmepullyou

Can you do any pull ups?

Or push ups - same sort of thing.

I am not an exercise enthusiast so I guess maybe I could do one if I really had to. But the point is that you're familiar with the concept. 

I'm so tired.

It's not really physical, although sleeping is a bit hit and miss and the dreams mean it's not always that restful. It's the effort of trying to stay afloat.

Usually you can just swim through life. Maybe there will be storms and rough seas but even if you get tired you can just roll on your back and float.

And if you're lucky you get a lilo or something.

But at the moment I keep thinking of that Sylvia Plath quote* "I'm not waving. I'm drowning." That and the Lichtenstein picture.

To float you have to be bouyant. You have to be less dense than the stuff around you. And apparently this goes for mentally as well as physically. If you don't float then you have to pull or push yourself up and stay up. And it's tiring. But if you let go and relax down it takes an awful lot of effort to pull back up again because you're already tired from the last time you did it.  

Plus you have to keep convincing yourself that it's worth the effort to pull up again.

What has unbouyed me this time? Not that it takes much.

One of my only single friends has started dating someone**. Cause for celebration? Happy that they're happy? Ha. The therapist says my own experiences with Pooch are globalising to all men. She may be right. My first thought on hearing this was "It won't last."

So now I'm tired, depressed *and* bitchy.

* Oh God, she's quoting Plath. Never a good sign.

**OMG!!! And her name is Alex. He's loved up with someone with my fricking name. FFS.

It's a sister thing

My sister came to stay last night. She is rather more glamorous than I am but it so happened we were both wearing out name necklaces so I felt a portrait was in order.

She complimented me on the crafty bits I'd produced for my new flat - such as the curtains and the fabric bowl I blogged about a few weeks ago. I think all of us who craft can become a bit complacent about what we make. It doesn't do any of us any harm to sit back and bask in some praise occasionally. Leave me a link for something you've made recently in the comments and I'll come and leave you a comment on it.

My main project at the moment continues to be the ripple blanket. I have also got a more portable pair of socks on the go but since I finally finished the sock cardi this is my main one.

Happy!

Wrestlemaaaaaaaaaaniaaaaaaaaaa

I just love WWE. My love for it has grown considerably since the separation. Wrestlemania is the biggest event of the year for WWE and it happened last sunday in Atlanta. This gives you an idea of the scale.

There were apparently 71,671 people there and I so should have been one of them but couldn't get leave from work because of deadlines. Meh. There were obviously csome other brits there, since Armando Iannucci tweeted this pic of one of the memorable signs in the crowd. 

I love the signs. One of my all time favourites was on a large piece of card and said "THE GUY BEHIND ME CAN'T SEE". Simple perfection. 

People ask me all the time why I like wrestling. After much thought I decided I like the fact that it has boundaries so people very rarely get seriously hurt and the general athleticism. You can't say it's not impressive when a 6'10" 300lb man holds a 6'4" 255lb man over his head while standing on a table and flips him on the ground. 

The Commentators speculated that he might have "shattered some internal organs". Whereupon he gets up and does more or less the same back again. Or when the taller guy (The Undertaker) rebound of the rope and dives headfirst over the top rope in order to nut his opponent (Triple H).

Pretty awesome. 

And what to do while watching wrestling? Why, what else but knit. For the sock yarn leftovers cardi is almost finished. 

I actually thought it was finished. I sewed in all the ends and added buttons....

......but that collar just isn't working. So I need to rip it and redo the last inch or two. Such a nuisance but will be worth it in the end. 

I'm pretty happy with it though! I'll be writing a tutorial type thing on how I approached it.

It's been a pretty hard week all told. After the weekend I was pretty low and then I had another set back on Monday night. But, these things are sent to try us and I'll be at my Mum's this weekend for some R&R and hopefully to catch up on some sleep since that's been all messed up too. I've been trying to keep this in mind at all times:

Source: imgfave.lg1x8z.simplecdn.net via Alex on Pinterest

It's hard, but I'll get there in the end. 

The Joy of Pills

We all know medication has side effects. I am pretty sure I've blogged about this before. And it's not like I haven't been on this stuff before. But this time it is doing my head in somewhat. The sleep disruption - well, I can cope with waking up at 4 or 5am for a month or two. The weird feelings associated with eating - again, not the end of the world. The headaches, cold hands, mild paranoia - all bearable. But the memory loss? That is just screwing me up.

I went out this morning and had to come back twice for things I had forgotten. An hour ago I went out to the supermarket, taking a long windy route so I could walk round the dock and do a token bit of exercise. I left without my list and came back for it. Then after a 20 min walk I get to Asda, am within spitting distance of it, and realise I've left my wallet on the sofa. So I go to the DLR to get the train one stop back again because I figure that's enough exercise, and get on it going the wrong way. Then when coming back the right way, I almost got off at the stop I started at rather than twigging that I now needed to go two stops to make up for the wrong one.

Geez.

I think maybe I'm just tired. And side-effects do wear off, usually, after a few months so I just need to make sure it doesn't get any worse, at which point I have to haul arse back to the doctor and ask them to try something else.

I really want to get back into the habit of regular blogging again since I have missed checking in. I had a bit of a sock knitting binge while I was at my Mum's but since then have been mainly working on things for the house. This bowl now sits on the coffee table and more are planned for the bathroom.

The ripple blanket for the sofa is only on it's third colour but is already looking good.

I'm using the attic24 pattern which is free here although I have made a donation to show my gratitude - I like that way of paying for things. I'm also nearing the end of my ripple cardigan in left over sock yarn. I really feel like I have been knitting this thing for most of my life, but Ravelry tells me it was only christmas eve when I cast on. The day will come when I cast off and I can't say I'll regret it.

I'm planning posts on being down at my mum's and a few others on the new flat and so on. One thing that will need to be explained is the chocolate chickens.

But then that is a story for another day.

Swaptastic

Second day back at work - feel like am surrounded by a skin like a soap bubble that could burst at any point, but apart from that things are going pretty well!



To lift the gloom a bit I have join round 7 of the UK Swap. It's organised on Ravelry here and is open to anyone in the UK. Sign ups close 11th April and the single send date it 1st June with a £20 min spend.

Hey, why don't you sign up too?
S

Stand Back. I am going to try Science.

When I moved, my best friend helped (i.e. did most of it) while wearing this t-shirt.

Source: store.xkcd.com via Alex on Pinterest

Alex (his name is Alex too - but he's male. We shared a flat once and people asked whether it got confusing. I always felt it would have been more confusing if it had been confusing.) is a proper scientist with a PhD which he strangely refuses to use (as in the "Dr" bit) and now works in Science Policy. He may be on linked in. He's met Neil Armstrong and knows Prof Brian Cox off the telly. He occasionally politely humours me when I come out with something vaguely scientific because although we did our Physics degrees together I have forgotten 99.9% of mine whereas his brain just keeps expanding daily. I was reminded of this in my therapy session this week where, for reasons that will become clear, I started talking about one theory to do with the creation of the universe.

Think of the path a bouncy ball makes as it bounces across the room.The ball hits the floor and *boing* that is the big bang. It springs up into the air and that is where we currently are - the universe is expanding. The ball stops rising and starts to fall again - the universe stops expanding and starts shrinking. Ball nears the floor again and then goes off again - the universe shrinks to nothing in a big unbang and then big bangs again and it *boing* all starts again.

I dare say that since I did Astrophysics someone has disproved this theory.

Alex would know. But it came up in therapy because we were talking about recognising cycles and patterns. The Therapist is naturally very keen on me getting better and not having a recurrence at a future date. So she keeps pointing out that I've gone mad before and got better, so can do the same thing this time. My counter argument, and the reason for the undoubtedly scientifically inaccurate analogy, is that it did get better, then it got worse again. And so far the getting better and the getting worse again have happened in equal numbers which looks to me like a cycle. But then once you have recognised the cycle you have to break it.

In my science-addled mind I'm going to call this "Going Supernova on your Own Arse" although Alex will explain to me how that is wrong.

Of course it is often said that there is nothing new on heaven or earth, so I find it easy to believe that life is mostly a series of repeating cycles of behaviour. This is often born out in knitting, where I find myself making the same pattern more than once, or at least using the familiar increases and decreases. But with the SunRay Ribbing top I am returning to something I had mostly frogged and cast aside.

Not only am I returning to something that is broken, I have also converted the pattern to knit in the round so as I fix myself my knitting also revolves. As I knit I have been thinking about my next project, which I hope will be something that has been inspired by being down here at my Mums. She has a collection of Spode and other blue and white china. As I have eaten from these plates and bowls during the past few weeks I have grown more aware of the patterns, and the way they might translate into fairisle.

There is a free online tool for converting photos to charts for embroidery and knitting here. It needs some work and manipulation, but I think it could work.

It will certainly make it easier to chart a whole jumper's worth.

I leave you with a final thought.

Source: store.xkcd.com via Alex on Pinterest

6 Years of Lixie

Today is the 6th anniversary of this blog. From that first week when I couldn't get the pictres to work properly, through all the ups and downs, I have arrived here - somewhat bruised and battered but still in pretty good nick.

Looking back I see a mention of my stash filling 4 boxes (fairly small ones too from the picture) at the time when Pooch and I first moved in together and wondering whether to try and hide this from Pooch and enter into a life of deceit, or just brazen it out. Considering that after my recent move to a much smaller flat it was 4 bin bags worth, and that was after a massive destash, I am once again struck by how things that seemed so important or tragic or serious just a few years ago become so nonsensical and trivial with hindsight. In a few years am I going to be looking back on my marriage breakup in much the same way as I do on when Matt Andrews didn't really notice me when I was 14? Back then I'd spend hours writing in my diary about how unfair it was. Now I have a blog. Somethings change while others stay the same.

Of course there have been some great times over the last 6 years. I've made brilliant friends through knitting and blogging - Nickerjac especially who I first 'met' through her blog (and blogged about the day we first actually met back in June 2005). It was together that we started SkipNorth and although I'm very sad to have missed out on the recent one I'm really proud of how they have grown from such humble beginnings. It was also Nickerjac who taught me magic loop which enabled me to move from my obsession with socks knitting flat and seamed up the sides to actual proper socks, which are now my default go to item if I want something fairly calming to knit.

My recent rerun with depression has made it harder to think ahead, and certainly when this episode first started I couldn't think 6 minutes ahead, never mind any longer than that. Thanks to my Mum and the meds I am now feeling a lot better and will be back at work again next week. I think looking ahead another 6 years might be a bit ambitious, but let's put some goals in for the next 6 months.

• Finish the blog header I started, or at least did an M and an I for.
• Find a knitting group and go at least twice a month.
• Finish the hexagon patchwork quilt.
• Book a holiday to replace the one to Seville I've just had to cancel.

Modest ambitions, but all achievable.

To end, I've put together some photos, although these are only for the last four years since I wasn't using Flickr before then.

www.flickr.com <> <> <> <> <> <> <> Littlelixie's 4 years of Lixie photoset



Thanks peeps

Everyone has left such lovely comments - thanks for that. I've cherished all of them. The meeting with the consultant went well and he remembered me from all those years previously and asked whether I was still knitting. While packing for my recent move I cme across a pair of intarsia socks I'd been making him, flat on two needles, that were really pretty rubbish. I boldly threw them out, thinking all the while that I would never finish them because I wouldn't see him again. Oh irony. So naturally I am now making him another pair.

I am all about simplicity at the moment. I have this horrible feeling that if something even slightly unfamiliar happened I wouldn't be able to cope so intarsia and anything more complicated than a pattern I have made before was out. Fortunately I have made two jaywalkers before and has this Regia from a long past SkipNorth. It looks more complicated than it is too, which is always a bonus.

I've been knitting socks at a fairly impressive rate since I spend quite a lot of each day knitting at the moment. I used up some Koigu I'd had in my stash for maybe 6 years.

I was a bit dissapointed but I think that is down to my colour choices. I had a 50g skein of blue and another of green so striped them. Plus they came out too big (my fault for not checking guage) although I've given them to my mum and she loves them. I also finished a pair of Cookie A Kai Mei (I only had the toe left to do on one of them) which I cast on just after I'd moved out of the marital home last October.

My second pair of these and they won;t be my last. I really love the pattern and the fit of the final sock. The yarn was from The Knitting Goddess which I got at some show or other and I'm sorry to see it's discontinued as it is very soft (BFL) and the colours are lovely. She has lots of other sock yarns though so worth a look.

I am signed off for another week and have my first therapist appointment next Thursday so I'll be staying down here in Exmoor with my Mum and Dad til then. They have been so wonderful, plus there is an added bonus in the following shape:

Her name is Artemis (goddess of the hunt - and she is an awesome hunter) and she is the only cat I have ever known who will lie on her back so you can stroke her stomach.

Had a Visitor

It's been quite a while now since the black dog came to visit. Which makes it even more of an appalling shock. A week ago, night three in my lovely new flat, I suddenly started panicking and have been a in a state of terror since. It's illogical, it's crippling, it's my old friend come for a visit. I've been down at my Mum's since wednesday and have an appt later this week to see the Consultant who put me on the right road last time. In the meantime I'm just hanging on by my fingertips and trying to keep food down. I'm incapable of doing much else - it's taken me a week to actually blog.

Thoughts on Being Single

As a single woman there are many things you suddenly need to think about that, to be honest, did not really matter that much anymore. For instance, first impressions. It hadn't mattered for the last 6 years if the first thing an eligible young man heard me say was "He's got about as much of a chance of getting that approved as the hensen has of living through the whole episode of Star Trek." 

Or indeed if I said this while sporting hair that needed washing and cheap jeans. Because I had my Beloved who knew of my Star Trek knowledge and rarely took notice of my jeans or hair. But now...well. One never knows, in this modern metrosexual world, when to expect one's next close up. With the result that things like bikini lines and matching underwear have once more popped into my life. 

I did already have some nice underwear, but just not that much of it. So I decided yesterday that this was the best possible time to go shopping for some. So off I went. I chose Debenhams. I have tried John Lewis and I have tried House of Fraser and they are both laid out weirdly so you get lost wondering about, like Father Ted. But the Debenhams on Oxford Street packs it all in there tighter than a thong and so you get maximum shop for minimum schlop. 

I think no one who has read this blog before can be in doubt of my polka dot addiction. The only surprise about my new undies is that only two of the sets feature them, and only on these are they the main attraction. Purest silk. I shall wear these while playing quoits on the sundeck of a cruise liner. Under my ASOS play-suit which will be a playful little thing with a nautical theme. 

A more practical cotton for those days on the farm when the cherries have ripened and need picking and making into good old cherry pie. To be topped off with a pinafore dress and one of those smock aprons. Plus hair up in a teatowel to stop the flour getting in it. Or it in the flour.

With a B for Byrne, these babies take no prisoners as I strut on 4 inch black patent stilettos from one high powered meeting to another. Lunching on sushi and expresso, I exchange flirtatious glances with the man from Marketing before making him redundant at 3pm.

It's the first night at the Opera and a  single beautiful tear rolls down my cheek as Madam Butterfly plunges the dagger into her breast. I stand and applaud as the curtain closes, it's folds reminiscent of my own scanties. 

And what does this have to do with Lixie Making It? Nothing whatsoever. It is purely my underwear. My only craft recently has been my sock yarn cardi where second sleeve is 75% done. I move next Saturday and just boxed up all my other craft supplies so there will be nothing interesting to show for another week or so. But then, expect pics of the new flat! Tra la. 

The House Byrne Unbuilt

I started packing on friday night (social diva that I am). A rather thunderous thought struck me - that I was now dismantling the home I had tried to build for Pooch and I.

I've blogged quite a few times about creating a home. Most memorably for me is when Pooch and I got married and he said I could have as much wool as I liked because now it was like I was building a nest for us both.

Of course that didn't go so well because I ended up cocooning myself from real life with the stuff. And who can forget the immense amount I then got rid of just a few months ago. Then there are the pictures on the walls which I blogged about here and the Pins on Pinterest I hve gathered about what I hoped it would end up looking like.

Source: via Alex on Pinterest

It does scare me a bit - to be moving somewhere new, away from the area I've known for 5+ years now - and to be moving into a new flat - just a flat, not a home. But I'm just trying to view it as a good thing. Time to start fresh. As I pack I continue to get rid of more and more stuff and I'm really holding strong to the beautiful print I bought from the V&A last year.

Having the Snip

I really do love Etsy.

It's so awesome getting a little gift to yourself in the post. This one was from Crave Jewellery Design. I'd seen it on Pinterest and convo'd her to ask if she had another for sale, since the original had sold. You can either wear it open....

.....or closed:

So sweet. 

Scissors were much in use to finish a project this week. I've been taking part in the #craftsocial heart swap and here is my offering:

I always find needlebooks so handy and I didn't just want to make 'a heart' as I preferred it to have some use.

Yet more scissors on the inside plus some felt 'pages' for the needles. It's flying off to America as I type. 

I was in Greenwich earlier today to visit the library (prompted by the "Save Our Libraries" Day today) and had a look around the clocktower market. It is my favourite bit of Greenwich. This time I spied these gorgeous little jampots.

I was sorely tempted to at least get the strawberry one but then I remembered I started packing for the move this morning and I already have more than enough stuff. It made me sad, because I wouldn't have hesitated to buy it 6 months ago. Ah well. 

At work the recycling bins have just been labelled to stop the small of brain getting confused about whether teabags constitute paper or not, and the ordinary bin has been labelled 'landfill'. This struck me as a simple but effective way of really making you think about the rubbish you thrown away. And so in spying an old sofa cover about to be thrown away I took a look at it to check for unmoveable stains or holes, and then resolved to make a tablecloth for my new flat with it. 

I wanted a red and white one and was looking for polka dot fabric (naturally) but couldn't find any in an upholstery weight that wasn't super expensive (thank you Cath Kidston!). This is an excellent red and I can use the machine embroidery skills I learnt at the Make Lounge to decorate it. Bonza. I've washed it at 90 degrees and it's come up as good as new. And all for £0!